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DeanxCas

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There are secrets that you keep
that you never speak of out loud.
And there are reasons that you do
let them spill, along with your emotions.
I have been turned into a travesty of myself,
no longer feeling what I am supposed to feel.
All I feel is stress, pressure and loneliness,
you've pushed me further away now that you
feel like you don't need me anymore.
You only needed me when you were at your worst,
the worst period of your life, which has just passed.
I was there to comfort you, explain to you how to cope,
because you came to be the person I had to comfort the most.
I had been there myself and at the time, I had no one to help me.
I knew how it was to have no one to hear me, so I was there to listen.
You'd come and start telling me how awful it is, and I'd take part of
your burden away, carry it on my shoulders along with mine.
But once I took it, it added to what I was going through.
I rarely told you what problems I had to deal with, thinking that
you already have enough on your mind, without me nagging.
Once you decided that it's time you move on and made me promise to
try as well, you changed. And it's not natural to get over it so easily,
unless it was just over-reacting the whole time. I wasn't over reacting though.
I promised to try, crossing my fingers behind my back as I did so.
I am not trying to get better and I have no one to talk to anymore.
Ever since you decided you're over it, you no longer talk to me like you did,
we're not best friends anymore even though at the surface we say we are.
But you and I both know it that things have changed.
But you know what? I don't want to try to keep you close, and I will explain why.
The day you decided that we should both promise to try to be happier, you said things that hurt me more than anything ever has.
You said that you realized it was me that made you feel sadder, that I made you more depressed because I was depressed myself.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was such a burden.
I wanted to scream at your face, hit you and show you every feeling you had made me feel every time you came to me like a lost puppy, sad and hurt.
So many times that you'd come to me and made me sad as well, even if I
wasn't sad before we'd talk, you'd ruin my mood completely, by making
me share your pain by comforting you and explaining everything to you.
You'd not listen to what I said and I'd have to repeat everything over
and over and over and over and over again.
I was sick of doing that, but I was your best friend, that's what best friends are for.
But not once had you seen through my lies, and in the end you blamed it all on me.
You probably didn't realize what you'd said, that you had blamed me for every
single thing that I'd comforted you for, but it's okay.
I will not tell you how that made me feel, because I now see
that  I was a burden all along.
I'm sorry, it won't happen again.
And that, the fact that you said "It was you, you made me feel sad" , is the reason why, ever since I heard that coming from you, not once have I told you how I really feel.
Because it was my fault, right?
Won't ever happen again.
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I'm glad you told me. by DeanxCas, journal